My Life As I See It

My moods are sad again. Probably because Billy and I have been fighting yet again and things with Jeremy have been uncomfortable (to say the least).

I'm alone entirely too much. I truly am. I fear I am losing the skills I aquired years ago on how to inter-act with people. I feel like I am so desperate for friendship that I would accept generally unacceptable behavior in people or that I can be easily swayed into things. Not good.

I have been sleeping a lot. Y'all know I don't sleep. I'm really depressed again. I am "hoping" it has to do with the holidays but I think that's only part of it. I think my loneliness is really bringing me down. I can't quite figure out a way to make friends without going in to a massive panic attack. I know I have to do this stuff in "steps" but the holidays really aren't the best time to try to make friends since everyone is insane and under enormous pressure. So, what? Wait? I guess sleeping until January isn't such a terrible thing.

I went to the midnight showing of New Moon and I survived. I wanted to strangle the teen-age girls screaming at the screen but overall, I enjoyed it. I really want to see the movie again Monday while everyone is at work. Much less pressure and anxiety. Plus, it's not like you can see the movie too many times.

I have finished the disability papers and sent them off last Saturday. I haven't heard from them yet but I'm sure I will soon enough. I need this so badly. I need to have my own money and pay for things like my medications and doctor visits. I need to have my own transportation too. I don't need anything fancy. I just need something reliable, dependable and will last me a while.

I have my "homework" from Marla that I am starting on Monday and I have been looking around for a Digital Voice Recorder. They are generally ranging from about $40 and go waaaaaay up. Just like a car, I don't need anything fancy. All I need is for it to work properly and easily. Hopefully I will find one soon.

I'm retreating within myself again. When you feel rejected or alone you tend to withdraw from people and keep to yourself. I suppose I just need to get past the holidays. How many days is that?